...must....keep....blogging...

I'm running out of steam! Can you believe that?! It's only been 6 entries. Sad.

So what's new with me? Not much really. But usually when I start writing impromptu, something hits me.........................um, nothing. Sometimes there is just too much talking, too much music, too many movie scripts, too much reality tv...just too much NOISE. I find it amusing when someone can't stand the quietness that falls on a room of people. Suddenly, someone feels the need to clear their throat or drop an ink pen, pinch a baby, haha...But if you're always talking when do you ever listen? Little Brother Kyle was trying to prove to the family on Family Night that a person who talks a lot is to be considered among one of the smartest people in a group. That boy, that 13 year old cocky little teenager whom I love with all my heart had to be given a lesson from the fam. It's pretty obvious that he loves the sound of his voice and that he feels that he always has the last valid point in a discussion. He was trying to explain to Little Brother Caleb that since he is the quieter of the two that he must not be as intelligent. Little did he know that that premise made him out to appear the less intellectual. He'd set himself up for a life lesson. The book of Proverbs is littered with scripture about the "lips of a fool" (quite the opposite of those of an intellect.) Nonetheless, my point is this. Turn the music down. All the way down. Turn the TV off.  Drive to work in silence. Sit/stand outside in peace for just15 minutes. Just be quiet.

When there's nothing to say, pray.

Something came to me after all. This concludes the blog for right now. I love you-whoever you are.

Confessions

Dive right in.

1.  I don't do enough for God, but I do so much for myself.
2.  I am wishy-washy and inconsistent..I do not truly live up to my name.
3.  I create "Want To Do" lists (aka Bucket Lists) and don't try hard enough to complete every task
4.  I am lazy
5. I don't pray long enough.
6.  I don't show enough love to strangers
7. Punctuality and I don't get along.
8.  Sometimes I write statuses online about my faith in Christ with partial motives of getting an "Amen" (aka the "Like Button" on FB or a Retweet, a "co-signer"). But those things glorify me, not God. ....talk about selfish...smh...
9. I want to walk to the altar every week for extra prayer, but I stay at my seat b/c of the "judges" sitting around me.
10. I try to be/show myself as honest as possible, sometimes trying too hard, but sometimes, not trying hard enough.
11. I often say that I don't care about what people think about me, but that is something that I constantly struggle with. I only say it  because I have to convince myself that I don't really care about outside perceptions .
12. There are times that I resent my parents.
13. My room is full of clutter. (This is justifiable by my aesthetic approach to life, but there is still no excuse. Artists don't have to be messy.) 
14. I have attachment issues.
15. I have impure thoughts.
16. I am not a great cook. Just OKAY.
17. There are times that I exhibit false humility and am overly modest.
18. I wish I were invisible.
19. There are other things that belong on this list but are imaginary.

     I was enlightened recently about another perspective of the "Bucket List"- not the movie, but the concept (which I have a slight obsession over). I personally think that such lists are wonderful ways to set goals and get things done. But I was challenged to "throw away" the list and "see what sort of adventures the heavenly Father has for [me]". And so, i recognize that it's all about His will; that is God's list for me- His will, and all I can do is pray that I am walking in it while asking Him to confirm so.

With all of these confessions, I have lots to do...

    So, new concept: A list of confessions just might be a bucket list in reverse. Everything that has been confessed can be changed from this point on. Just because it is a confession doesn't mean that it defines who I AM. I've confessed it because I want to be able to tell myself and show God that these things will be a definition of who I WAS.

Come up for air.

Happy 25th Anniversary Mom and Dad

My, how time flies when you're having fun. And before you know it, you'll look up and find that you've been married for a quarter of a century.Well, at least my parents have. Congrats Mom and Dad. I told myself that if they ever divorced (which is quite unheard of in our household), I would never marry. And this is still true. So far, I'm still on the market. A blessing or a curse?? hmmm....only time will tell.



And now for 

    The Random List of Things That My Parents Have to Show for 25 long, but Swift Years of Holy Matrimony That They Would Not Have Had If They'd Not Met Each Other Sometime in the 80s:

1. Offspring
2. A fond appreciation of a meal compiled of Hot-Wings, left-over spaghetti and whatever else could be found in the fridge
3. A collection of VeggieTales, Little Rascals, Power Rangers, dvds AND VHS tapes
4. More clothes, stuffed animals, and plastic toys than even the Goodwill and Salvation Army wants to collect.
5. A fully assembled tent on the back porch
6. Junky "the college kid's home" Summers, 4 printers, 4-5 laptops, 2 futons, 4 sets of electronic hair appliances (bevel irons, blowdryers, etc), 3 extra sets of dishes
7. Skateboards (and other things with wheels) Galore
8. Kittens
9. Large, loud, lively dinners EVERY night
10. Apprx. 9,125 days of waking up to the same breath in the morning--and a few mornings of waking up to that of a child with a nightmare.

Two days missed. Back on it, doggone-it. I'll write 3 entries to make up. I have no particular subject to write about, but there are some things on my mind.

1. I'm feeling a certain way and I'm not sure of what this feeling is or even why I am feeling it. All I know is, I really don't want people around- weird, I know. For the past 3 months or so, I've just become so easily annoyed by people. Not by anything they may have done to me, but just by their presence. And so, I stay away and have become a recluse both for the public's sake as well as mine. I un-invite myself to functions. I've purposely not responded to phone-calls or texts in hopes that the sender would just get frustrated with me and leave me alone (and this is the perfect recipe for tarnished relationships). I've ceased making eye contact so that I would not be expected to make conversation (btw, I cannot STAND small talk...pet peeve!).
     Anyhow, this is a very abnormal feeling for me because people  are my passion. My heart's desire is to love and to care for people. Typically, I long to be in their presence and even in their embrace, but clearly, something has gone awry and I can't quite put my finger on it. Is this phase a phase? Is it normal? Don't get me wrong, I love humanity, I just hate (strongly dislike) the society that it has become. Social. Anti-social. In these final days before shipment, I know that I should probably place myself in the midst of those who will provide as much lovin' as possible (b/c there is no love in the military- just guns, haha j/k relaaaxx). Despite that fact, I find myself just wanting to be alone all of the time. And then, when I am near people and I try to fight this anti-social villain , I get so shy and over analytical of perceptions that I cannot even enjoy myself and those around me are made to feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to tell myself that this is God working in me to condition and prepare me for the similar solitude of BCT. I've also convinced myself that this is God's way of turning my attention on Him and off all distractions. And people and their perceptions have always been my distraction...

2. Recently, a couple of dear friends of mine lost a very young someone special in a tragic incident. I've only had one encounter with the death of someone close to me, but their experience and loss of the loved one brought me to that same place all over again- and I don't even know the person. The connection is just that- a connection; so when they hurt- so do I. My heart goes out to them and their families. Dad's latest series in church is called Knowing The Will of God (for my life). This is so applicable for situations of death and things we cannot control.

God's Will Types (nutshelling week 3):  

1. The Sovereign Will of God- God brings to past whatever He wants to.
1. The hidden will of God (the things we will never know)
2. The revealed will of God (the things that we can pray for and expect God to show us; those things that he allows us to understand about him ..."Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven")
2.  The Perceptive (Moral) Will of God- This will is geared to the "thou shall nots"; it can be broken. There is either a benefit or consequence for the laws of this will.
1. Example: God's will is that the 10 Commandments will be obeyed, but still, man (with his granted free-will), can break these laws. Nothing is truly stopping him from doing so.
3.  The Personal Will of God- What is God agenda for me or you? What is the calling designed specifically for your  life 
4. The Permissive Will of God- God, being fully aware of something, allows/permits something to happen without any negative or positive influence or intervention. NOTE: This is not to be confused with the "permission" of God.

Okay...so, in the situation of someone who has passed, which will are we looking at? In my opinion it is a cross between  God's Sovereign will and His Permissive will. God will do whatever He wants, and God will allow whatever He wants.


I'll stop here, by the power of my own "sovereign" will.


FYI
Click here to listen to this series, "Knowing God's Will" and more from the pulpit of Atlanta Church Of God By Faith!

Staying true

I don't really feel like blogging today. It's Labor Day weekend and finally, a weekend with no prior obligations. Today I washed my hair. That's about as productive as it has gotten. I wish I had something remotely profound to say but since I don't, I will say this: I will now dry my hair.

In the meantime,
I send up a prayer to Jesus Christ for every being in my life and the beings in their lives...There is so much wrong going on in the earth and I know the Lord looks down and.....and.....well He probably just looks down. I send a special prayer up to heaven for those who are sick and bed ridden. I thank God for healing and compassion. I praise Him for recovery of all things and I especially am thankful for a new day, because a new day is another chance...another chance to get it right. God is faithful. If only we were as faithful to Him as He is to us.

God bless you, reader.

Comfort Zone: No Tresspassing

My heart has been doing some really sneaky things lately...like loving without informing me first, and making me say the things I really mean to say (even when they may be hurtful, however true), and growing fond of things and those I vowed to [hate]...too much, TOO MUCH I SAY! I feel like I'm going through puberty all over again- which I find to be a very uncomfortable thing to do in your twenties.

Either way, I say all of that to say this. The one thing that will remain a constant in Constance's life is her constant change (and that's not as much of an oxymoron as you think. Those two words fit as perfectly as any two words can possibly be juxtaposed). I'm not running from the change, just the comfort. But the challenge of this task is embracing the change without becoming complacent in it. How do you truly wish to hug someone without wanting to be in their arms? You have to lend yourself to a little bit of complacency so that you achieve a satisfying affect from the embrace. This goes for anything you will yourself to do (or enjoy doing). For example, if I want to enjoy eating dirt, then as I lift the soil to my face to place it in my mouth, I have to have a desire of some sort to want  to experience something about it- the taste, the smell, the texture- after all, I'm the one who wished to indulge in such a treat. No one requested or forced me to do it, therefore it becomes an act out of my own will.Comfort.

But I don't want the comfort. Getting comfortable scares me (in the instance of emotions, matters of the heart, personalities, and relationships). And THAT is why I run to Change. Ultimately, everything changes. It's original state becomes just a memory of what it was or hope of what it could have been. Now, don't get me wrong. It won't always be like this. The comfort zone will always be there, but I'm not ready for it yet. When the season is right, Constance will get comfortable.

thump thump thump...is this thing on?

Testing, 1-2-3...*ahem* [awkward silence and microphone feedback prevails]

And so, here it is. A baby's blog in a society of mommy and daddy bloggers. The fresh-out-of-college intern displaced in a cubicle surrounded by seasoned professionals. A fish in the sky. Nonetheless, at the completion of this entry, I, too shall be inducted into the fleet of bloggers world-wide.

I have decided to begin this blog because in exactly 63 days from today September 1, 2010, I "ship" for Basic Training in Fort Leornard Wood, Missouri (with the National Guard). I've Youtubed, Googled, and spoken to a few Ft. Leornard Wood BCT graduates, and still, my idea of what to expect is very foggy. So far, there are 3 things that I've been warned about: 

1. Rocks. Lots and lots of rocks and a Sargent who is very creative in delegating various activities involving the rocks. 

2. Cold Weather (especially since I will be there during the winter months).  I love the summer. You do the math.

3. Many Trees. I'm not sure as to why someone felt the need to warn me about trees, even still, seeing as how the name of the place (Ft. Leonard Wood) lends clue to the fact that there are wooded areas and being as it is that I have lived in what is called the Piedmont Region of Georgia for the past 20 years, I pray that the trees are nice to me and don't terrorize me too terribly.

In speaking with someone else about their experience at Ft. Leonard Wood, I was told that there is an unspoken "secrecy", or rather  a fraternituous spirit about the place. (I think that fraternituous should be a word, although it's not...it sounds good). With that being said, I guess I'm just gonna have to see for myself what this adventure will be all about. 

Obviously, I will not be able to blog (or text, or facebook, or sing for that matter) while at BCT,  but hopefully the entries for days leading up to it and the ones following will serve as a sufficient set of parentheses.

Let the journey begin...

Oh, and in the future, my writing will not be this dry. I promise. It's just that today has been a peculiar day. It started with a search for my baby bro's lost pair of gym shoes, a missed school bus, and a speeding ticket in a school zone.  Go ahead and link the facts. I'm sure you'll get the story right...you're a smart cookie.